With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Bright Eyes, The First Day of my Life
How far can you push yourself before you actually do some damage to yourself? Before you can’t go back?
And how do you know, when it’s too far?
Have you actually been there? Have you come through?
Have you come back?
Sometimes you know, you kinda fall into a hole. Everything around you starts looking very dark, and you can’t see any light at the end of a tunnel. There’s not even a tunnel. Pitch black.
But there’s something in me that makes me keep pushing. Keep going forward, keep trying. It’s not about «not giving up hope», or being right, proving to all those motherfuckers how strong you are, or prevailing in the end. Those are clichés, they’re not real life. Actually it may be something from parts of that, but I don’t know. I mean, I can see the gears working, the impetus for action, against stagnation, for keeping it up. But I can’t really say why I refuse to stop, to let go. I simply won’t abandon things when they start to get ugly.
And I can’t say that it’s courage, or stupidity.
Sometimes this has served me well, and in other situations I have grown to deeply regret not stopping. Not letting go. I’ve been married for seen years, I’ve started a couple of companies, I’ve been involved in some really great projects and adventures, with really interesting people. But most of these things have come to an end, sooner or later. And others have started. It’s all in the motion, the action, the constant attention. The continuity of it all.
But the whole time, and especially when it gets difficult, ugly and painful, not fun anymore, and I’m hunkering down, bracing myself for the crash, I can honestly say I have no idea how high I am, and how far below the ground is, and how much the impact is gonna hurt. There is no way of knowing such a thing.
You can only know that after the crash. When the smoke clears. You check yourself for missing parts. You get back up, if you can. And you keep going.
So how far can you go? You can only kow after the crash.