Never was good with choices

It’s over
You don’t need to tell me
I hope you’re with someone who makes you feel safe in your sleep
Being tonight
I won’t kill myself trying to stay in your life
I’ve got no distance left to run
Blur, No distance left to run

All my life I’ve been living with this. Whenever it’s time to make a choice, to make a decision, to choose brand A over brand B, almost always I choose the wrong one. When I buy a record, after careful deliberation, I buy the one that will go on a shelf and pick up dust, the one that my friends see and they make that face, the *shudder* / oh my GOD / yuck face. The face where they feel kinda sorry for me. At work I always let other people choose the music, because there is absolutely no way ever in hell anyone I know would find the music I listen to, uh, listenable.

Once I had the choice between going to see the Tragically Hip or REM. I chose the Tragically Hip and the place was filled with West Island steroid jock assholes and their little cutie girlfriends. The «mosh pit» was more like a bar brawl. I mean, REM had a video show!

When I started dating m, people around me gave me that sorry face, and also an incredulous face with big eyes (m was a very wild and scary person at that time. dangerous. still is, too). I soldiered on, and so did she, I guess more out of pride and knuckleheaded stubbornness. I’ll show them. Us against the world. I suspect she felt the same, although we’ve never talked about it. But for sure love wasn’t a huge ingredient in our recipe. Tasted greath, though. Especially at the beginning.

Now it’s seven years, one company and two kids later, and I’m throwing down my arms. The cake has gone stale. This is not going to go any further. Of course, she took that decision like six months ago, and I have been burying my head in the pain for all that time, denying, accepting, back-and-forthing about it, sometimes literally several times a day. Not recommended. Very exhausting.

I always felt out of place in that relationship, out of my league, not up to it. A big disappointment to her, in the end. But I sure put up a fight. Now I’m backing off, and letting someone else do the fighting. Good luck, Next Guy. As you already know, it will not be easy.

I always say I’d like to make new mistakes, but I always say that. D’oh! Maybe I should listen to myself. Maybe I shouldn’t be outing these personal feelings on such a public place. Maybe that too is a bad decision. But fuck it. I’ve been trying to make the good choices all my life, and as you can see, it hasn’t been working out very well for me.

Maybe I’ll try making the bad choices now.